today is a sad day

having nothing to do with weight or exercise. I am okay on all that right now.

I made the mistake of reading some of my older stories and the comments on them. I know, I need to focus right now, and when I’m focused I lose sight of everything else. I need that right now. But somehow it hurts to regain that peripheral vision, because by then the view’s changed and some things may have disappeared. That’s how it always is.

I don’t miss the nasty parts of my two-year fandom stint, but I miss being able to feel freely about things that didn’t matter in the larger scheme of the world, the economy, how I feed myself. It’s not okay anymore. I can’t just blow three hours writing stupid shit because it’s satisfying. That sort of satisfaction is short-lived and depends so heavily on validation from your readers. I mean, that’s a whole other mess. But besides that, THERE IS NO TIME. There is no SPACE. I need to just study and work out and eat under 1500 calories. There is no room for anything else, and there won’t be until after November. Even then. There will always be another exam.

No no no no no I’m not going down that train of thought again.

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