25

A quarter of a century.

It’s not a big deal, but suddenly I — can imagine myself weeping at tomorrow’s (tonight’s) dinner. Being an adult is all about repressing yourself. You’re sometimes sadder than you could’ve guessed. I’ve done a good job not thinking this year.

Wistfulness is a state I return to again and again. I played my friend “City of Dreams” and “Eyes” and she said, “This isn’t sad.” I thought they were. You can’t be happy without knowing what you were before.

It’s hard to be honest in a public space. It’s become harder to speak without an audience.

Now I need help in order to feel. Now, when I feel, I am more helpless than I was as a child. Being an adult means choosing out of boxes, then building homes out of them. They are not disposable. I have, over the course of a quarter century, built many things. There is a paper trail if you look closely. I build and forget — remembering scares me. At least, that is the explanation that makes the most sense. I’m not sure what I’ll be able to tell my children in ten, twenty years.

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pride

Sometimes I forget that I have it. Despite how often this gets forgotten, I realized: I am not a weak-willed person.

When I want to do something, I get it done.

It’s just that I’m unsure of myself the whole way there.

*99% of this post is about studying, haha.

beginning

I have finally decided to take the plunge into weight-lifting! This has been almost a year in the making, I guess. For the past month I have not worked out at all, and then recently I came across this. That is how I want to look at EDC Vegas next year!

I bought my first barbell set and have been working out with 15 #s to a dumbbells version of Stronglifts 5×5. Very baby steps. My appetite is also coming back with a vengeance. For a while I wasn’t eating much because my whole day consisted of sitting in front of the laptop. (I’ll be working from home until January.) This week’s TOM + carbs + weights, and even if I feel extraordinarily bloated right now it’s compounded with a faintly euphoric post-workout glow, so no complaining here. 🙂

Oh wow

It has been over two months! And I have lost ALL my progress!

But let’s not dwell on the past.

I’m determined to get back into it. Gah, I know it’ll be hard. It’s so hard right now! Emotionally I just feel completely drained of motivation. I don’t ever want to leave the house anymore (Sandy hasn’t helped).

Formulating a new plan with Joie right now:

1300-1500 calories/day

At least 15 min of exercise every day (aim for 30)

carb vacation

Oh my God I ate so much on this trip to SF that I think I need to fast for a couple days before eating again. Eek. Probably gained five pounds at the very least. No kidding. 3000+ calories every day.

Food was good though! I just need to learn self-control.

SF has been awesome. Will write about it when I get home.

I’ve lost ten pounds

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks. So much has happened!

  • I’ve been weighing in at 123 every day for the past six days.
  • Still ~70% Primal, and liking it. This past weekend I veered way off-course to simply enjoy life, desserts, and alcohol with friends, but I’m pretty good during the weekdays. Today and yesterday I’ve added some fruit to my diet, probably because the weekend indulgences left me with a resurgent sweet tooth! That said, I don’t think watermelon and apples are terrible additions to any lifestyle 🙂
  • I have not logged my food intake since the 15th.
  • I’ve eaten out more than not. For a while I was eating out for dinner every single day — and still losing. Working on that healthy relationship with food.
  • I’ve met up with a ton of old friends and miraculously made new ones.
  • I’ve attended a wedding!
  • I’ve taken a photo from an unflattering angle that no longer looks as unflattering on me as half a year ago.
  • I’ve revisited a caffeine addiction. (In the words of Alan Hahn, “NO ONE SLEEPS.”)
  • A lot of walking, almost no workouts.

Life has been good, but I need to crash now. Trip to San Fran in a day and a half!

craziness

I got a very special call this morning from someone regarding my May exam. Because of appeals from a few students, the one question I got wrong is now being ruled as having two answers, one of which is mine, which means – I HAVE NOW PASSED.

What?!

This means 1) getting a raise, 2) being able to vacation with a nice peace of mind, and 3) one less roadblock on my journey to becoming a fellow. It also means 4) PARTAY THIS WEEKEND AT MY HOUSE GUYS!!!! J/K. I still live at home, remember? 😦

Rent is expensive, yo.

Day 2 Primal went okay except I had ice cream at dinner with a friend. What’s nice is I felt in control. It was a choice, not a necessity, and I’m okay with that.