Perspective (how to get it)

I have no perspective. I am always so caught up in the moment that even when I think I am being cool-headed and rational I am actually too emotionally involved to see anything clearly.

My weight is climbing again, and as of fifteen minutes ago it was 130. Okay, I just got home, and it’s the end of the day. Fair enough. In the mornings, though, I weigh in at 129. Which is still more than where I was headed just three weeks ago. The number’s headed up. Why?

Here are the potential reasons I’ve run through in my head:

  • My bad eating these past two weeks is catching up to me. Even if I didn’t go over my calories by too much (assuming a 1600 TDEE) it still showed.
  • Hypothyroidism.
  • A normal plateau. This happened during the peak of my stressed out phase in early May, and it’s happening again. But this time I’m not so much stressed as depressed.
  • I’m depressed.
  • I’m not actually gaining fat; it’s water retention. Sore muscles. I have been working out more lately.
  • Not enough cardio.
  • Not eating enough. This one doesn’t make any sense to me because eating badly these past couple weeks is what seems to have gotten me in this predicament.
  • Week before TOM. Problem is, I can never remember when TOM is!

I’m going to stop weighing myself for a week and see how that goes.

brief update

I feel like I haven’t had the time or motivation to post lately, so here’s a brief update:

  • Started taking melatonin to sleep better. I have been waking up after five hours of sleep every day for the past 1-2 weeks. This is pretty abnormal for me. I generally don’t sleep over 5-6 hours anyway but I’ll have one day of the week where I just crash. Lately I haven’t been able to “crash.” As in, my body desperately wants to but it just can’t.
  • I really, really want to cut alcohol out of my life but it is so damn hard. Last night, for instance, my friend refused to drink unless I did, so I ended up drinking one beer more than planned.
  • Same goes for caffeine/coffee.
  • I think I’m plateauing. My weight is fluctuating a lot these last two weeks, and I’m kind of exhausted from all the calorie-counting, to be honest. Kind of exhausted about life. I want to have a nice long vacation on a beach in a location where no one judges you for your belly flab or cellulite or whatever else people get judged for. This location clearly doesn’t exist, but!
  • Lately been getting light-headed after standing up too quickly or going up the stairs. Not sure why this is happening or if it is connected to the chronic fatigue.

sequel

The downward spiral continues. I’ve been overeating (sweets) and it’s 100% emotional. I know it, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. I have to solve the root problems first — and I can’t, right now. They’re too deeply rooted.

Had a bit of a breakdown today, cried for a long time. Texted people, who helped. I am still trying to figure my shit out. What I need to be doing with my life so that I don’t feel like this every now and then. Or maybe it’s the lack of exercise that’s allowing this relapse of mild depression (how else to categorize these chronic feelings of sadness and hopelessness?). I was at my best when I was working out regularly. The basement was taken yesterday so I couldn’t do anything with weights. Did some bodyweight exercises while “watching” the Heat/Thunder game. Sorry, couldn’t give a f— about non-Knicks teams still. 😦

I know this: everything feels more complicated when you’re already upset. And sometimes you need to be upset to understand hope again. I know this, and it doesn’t change a thing until I get there.

I need to have faith in myself, not only in my ability to do things but in the fact that I can learn to do new things. That if I lose or quit my current job, abandon this path altogether, I am capable of forging a better alternative for myself. The thing is, I have done little to deserve this self-respect. 

happiness is cyclic

Because some things are not going well, it feels like nothing is going well. Which is not true. I had to look at my progress chart to remind myself of that. I went shopping yesterday and the experience was definitely humbling. Clothes did not fit when I thought they would’ve, or they fit poorly. In the end I managed to score some shoes, intimates, and earrings. I mean, I’m glad.

It’s not this aspect of my life that’s most upsetting, of course. I’m still at GW1, just jumping up and down (while staying under it) a couple pounds from day to day. The other thing is, I can’t sleep past five hours. I’m writing this at 6am having woken up at 4. For no fucking reason.

Also, a romantic prospect just kinda fell through a couple days ago over, I suspect, aesthetic expectations. 😦

I guess I am just getting reacquainted with a lot of things that have always been wrong with me. Sometimes you forget they’re still there.

Gotcha

GW1, officially crossed off after almost four slow months! I’d originally had it scheduled for end of May, then moved to June 15 – today is right in between!

And it’s TOM, too. Definite SV, I’d say.

(lol I just reread what I wrote and it seems almost illegible. GW1 = Goal Weight 1; TOM = Time of Month; SV = Scale Victory.)

carbs

I’ve noticed my stomach is flatter on days that I get more hours of sleep.

And lately there’s been less bloat. Does this have to do with

  • calorie-counting, or
  • slight reduction in carbs?

I eat 1-2 fruits a day now, whereas before I’d go for 3+. I’ve been cutting down on rice, too. More protein.

It’d be interesting to do an experiment where I return to my old ways of eating, except still within the same calorie limit. Lots of carbs, less protein, 1400 cals.

Also: two more days until I can officially say I’ve reached GW1!!

Also#2: three-minute plank ゲット!!