on shape et al

I’m not giving up. Letting these words sink in. Wanting to give up is temporary, and if I do I’ll eventually have to start all over again. I’ve made progress, however small and inscrutable, and the fact that I still have a long way to go doesn’t make it any less meaningful.

Because I can’t seem to think in coherent paragraphs anymore, here’s another list.

  • Something that stuck with me this past weekend: my cousin quoting her fit male friend saying, “Make exercise part of your life,” like going to work every day. It’s got to be as intuitive as breathing. This makes sense to me, because our bodies are made for moving. Moving is necessary not just for weight loss but general well-being.
  • What a journey.
  • I still feel like the fat friend. But I think part of it isn’t me being literally fatter, it’s me not putting in the average level of effort most girls my age have learned to do. I bought my first pair of high (non-kitten) heels yesterday (and have two grossly blistered feet to show for it). I never look at shoes or bags; it’s like I’m numb to them. I don’t know what to do with my hair or how to properly put on makeup. My wardrobe is cluttered with articles I’ve acquired over the past DECADE and have refused to throw out (my mom is worse of a hoarder than me. Our family specializes in collecting garbahj). Finding something nice to wear these days is emotionally taxing. I feel like I have done so little for myself — I mean, in way of making myself feel good when I leave the house. I know these are all on-the-surface, superficial, kind of inconsequential things, but one small triviality can start a domino chain of positivity!
  • Just a while ago I was saying that I’m in the best shape of my life right now. That is true, but not to say that I’m in shape. I’m getting better, but I’m not. In shape. Or as in shape as I could be. I struggle through classes, my legs are surprisingly weak, as are my lower abdominals. I think my body was getting comfortable with Jillian workouts, even though they still felt tough. This revelation came after I floundered throughout two different workout classes, kettlebell kickboxing and Total Body Conditioning @ NYSC. The kettlebell portion of the kettlebell kickboxing class was less challenging than the interval training with pushups, planks, burpees, high knees, and other body-weight cardio/strength exercises. Most of them were super familiar to me, as I do them on a regular basis–but never at that crazy pace! I take longer breaks at home, and I don’t push myself as hard. TBC was ridiculous the second time I went. Different instructor, different exercises, slightly heavier weights. I tried the 8 lb dumbbells for some, then quickly downgraded to 5s again. Still sore today.
  • I’m hungover 😦

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