Silver Lining

So I failed my test. Not 100% sure, but 95%. Maybe 98%. It’s up there, because I only answered 15/25 questions and that’s assuming all of those were correct. Passing score ranges from 28-31 in the last couple years, and my highest possible score is 30, after that 27.5, etc. 😦

That said, I feel good right now. I’ve had a lot of time to stress and think in the last week and also accordingly packed on the pounds. No kidding, though, after my exam, almost instantly, my binging stopped. I still had some snacks today, but I didn’t feel like I needed to be constantly eating, which is literally how I felt for every day this past week. It’s never gotten that bad in my life, and I’ve had a couple of these before! I think some time last week I cleaned off half a bag of these. I hate making food the enemy. It’s already enough of a daily struggle to worry about whether or not I’m consuming the right things (getting better, though, now that I’m less hard on myself) without the added burden of stress-induced compulsive eating.

I thought about it in the shower just now: this is probably the best shape I’ve ever been in. I’m still nowhere near as fit/thin as I’d like to be, my stomach still has a ton of fat to lose, but I managed a 91-second plank today! I can perform 300 jumping jacks in one set! I can do crunches and situps with minimal strain on my neck! I’m still not confident about my push-up form because of the lack of mirrors in the basement, but I’ve definitely improved since February (started on my knees). I can even run ten minutes without tiring, and that’s after years of not running! I’m in better shape now than I was when I was on my high school track team (I sucked though). And here is the best part: my knees have almost stopped hurting. I worry about them way less now.

The thing about my knees is that they have stopped me from partaking in a lot of physical activity in the past decade. I stopped running altogether, I couldn’t walk long distances or sit for too long in the same position (like on a plane) or wear shoes with hard heels. They’re one of the reasons I never wear heels! And I think I’ve always been afraid of squats because of them as well; the whole “these joints gotta support my body weight while bent precariously” thing didn’t seem that appealing. But if anything, squats have strengthened the muscles around my knee, in effect strengthening them. Thanks Jillian!

I know why I am not seeing rapid weight loss results: I refuse to change my diet. Besides cutting out sweets, I can’t imagine my life otherwise restricted. I will never stop eating white rice or minimize my carb intake, even though I know low-carb has helped a lot of people lose belly fat. I will never stop putting salt in my food or eating salty food, because that’s all Chinese food right there. I’ve stopped eating as much meat as I used to, but I’m also slowly reintroducing it into my life for variety. Everything I’m doing right now I want to be able to maintain forever. And the only way to make sure of that is to not impose any unrealistic restrictions that I’ll end up breaking later (thus restarting the yo-yo cycle).

In addition, I’m not even convinced those things I mentioned are even bad for you. White rice keeps me fuller for longer and less likely to reach for treats. Meat and fats cleared up my skin. Salt… makes food taste better. And you need food to taste good to be satisfied after you eat it!

Tomorrow I might not be as positive as I am tonight, but I hope these reminders will resurface more frequently now that I’m better attuned with myself. I guess that’s the last thing – to be kind to yourself. This is really the most hard-learned of all the lessons, and I hope I remember it for every day of the rest of my life.

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