Weight stuff

I’ve been weighing in at GW1 for the past four days! And this afternoon (because I’m stupid) I weighed in a second time and, yeah it’s just water loss, but I’d dropped two pounds from the morning. When was the last time the scale read 128?? Probably right when I’d just moved back home from Atlanta and started gaining all my weight back. At the time 128 felt like a curse; now it’s a huge relief. And honestly, my current 128 (it’s gonna be back in the 30s tomorrow though, just wait) means a lot more to me because of the strength I’ve gained in these few months.

I didn’t log it on MFP because I try to log only morning weigh-ins for the sake of consistency. But lately I’ve been logging everything (food), and it helps a lot.

A part of me is afraid that now that I’m exercising again I’ll be gaining that weight back soon >< I know it’s just a number, but I grew up with these numbers.

jslfkjsa I can’t wait to be 125, and then 120 (this has not happened since high school. is this even possible)… slow and steady, alright. It’s taken me three months to lose these 4-6 pounds. I really want to see abs 😀 lol. And I want to go to the beach. Like really badly.

Food for thought

As of this morning I’m down a couple pounds from last week, which just goes to show how unreliable the scale is at tracking true progress. Water retention must have bumped up the number when I was working out like mad, and since I was too sick the past week to move, all that has slowly seeped out of my body. Now I’m just one pound away from my previous end-of-May goal! But I don’t think I’ll reach it in time, so it’s been moved to mid-June.

Still kind of woozy in the head, but I was feeling okay this morning and took some progress photos to see if I could tease out any visual differences. Haven’t been able to compare them but I’m noticing some more definition in the tummy area — wish the fat loss would catch up soon! I better have a six-pack by August… XD

Sick

This week hasn’t been good so far.

  • I think my friend passed her cold onto me. Can’t workout now 😦
  • My foot (as opposed to feet) is still cut up, three days later. WAE. Can’t workout now 😦
  • My computer is dead. Can’t… log my… nonexistent workouts now 😦

The first two are alcohol-related. Maybe I really should stop drinking.

on shape et al

I’m not giving up. Letting these words sink in. Wanting to give up is temporary, and if I do I’ll eventually have to start all over again. I’ve made progress, however small and inscrutable, and the fact that I still have a long way to go doesn’t make it any less meaningful.

Because I can’t seem to think in coherent paragraphs anymore, here’s another list.

  • Something that stuck with me this past weekend: my cousin quoting her fit male friend saying, “Make exercise part of your life,” like going to work every day. It’s got to be as intuitive as breathing. This makes sense to me, because our bodies are made for moving. Moving is necessary not just for weight loss but general well-being.
  • What a journey.
  • I still feel like the fat friend. But I think part of it isn’t me being literally fatter, it’s me not putting in the average level of effort most girls my age have learned to do. I bought my first pair of high (non-kitten) heels yesterday (and have two grossly blistered feet to show for it). I never look at shoes or bags; it’s like I’m numb to them. I don’t know what to do with my hair or how to properly put on makeup. My wardrobe is cluttered with articles I’ve acquired over the past DECADE and have refused to throw out (my mom is worse of a hoarder than me. Our family specializes in collecting garbahj). Finding something nice to wear these days is emotionally taxing. I feel like I have done so little for myself — I mean, in way of making myself feel good when I leave the house. I know these are all on-the-surface, superficial, kind of inconsequential things, but one small triviality can start a domino chain of positivity!
  • Just a while ago I was saying that I’m in the best shape of my life right now. That is true, but not to say that I’m in shape. I’m getting better, but I’m not. In shape. Or as in shape as I could be. I struggle through classes, my legs are surprisingly weak, as are my lower abdominals. I think my body was getting comfortable with Jillian workouts, even though they still felt tough. This revelation came after I floundered throughout two different workout classes, kettlebell kickboxing and Total Body Conditioning @ NYSC. The kettlebell portion of the kettlebell kickboxing class was less challenging than the interval training with pushups, planks, burpees, high knees, and other body-weight cardio/strength exercises. Most of them were super familiar to me, as I do them on a regular basis–but never at that crazy pace! I take longer breaks at home, and I don’t push myself as hard. TBC was ridiculous the second time I went. Different instructor, different exercises, slightly heavier weights. I tried the 8 lb dumbbells for some, then quickly downgraded to 5s again. Still sore today.
  • I’m hungover 😦

too early to talk about it

My weight is climbing dramatically, and I have no idea why. Made the mistake of going shopping today because a friend’s in town and wants to go out tomorrow night–I have nothing to wear. I don’t know. Lately I just feel like everything looks shitty on me, and it does. Nothing fits right, and I honestly can’t imagine how anything would.

I think I’m eating normally. But I’m often so bored at work that I finish all my meals by 10:30. Afterwards, until 5 PM, I have one or two packs of nuts. Then dinner somewhere from 7-9. 

Sorry, feeling foul today, and it just got so much worse when I went into the hypothyroidism forums on MFP. It’s that feeling of helplessness again. It’s been three months, and I have only gained weight. Sure, I’m stronger, but it feels like the fat is still all there. Argh!!

Workouts this week:

  • Monday: Ripped in 30 and stuff
  • Tuesday: NYSC Total Body Conditioning 45 min
  • Wednesday: 30 min treadmill on incline 8-10, some RI30/BFi90/P90X
  • Thursday: Kettlebell Kickboxing 1:15
  • Friday: NYSC Total Body Conditioning 45 min

I’m so tired! And we have another class tomorrow, which I’m considering canceling. I haven’t been sleeping well this week, averaging 5 hours a night, 6 if I’m lucky. Because I keep waking up at 6 no matter how late I sleep! 

Frustration abounds.

Minor

  • Weird bump on hand that I didn’t notice until now. It’s been hurting for about a week, and I just assumed I banged it against something hard in the basement (totally likely). It hurts like a black-and-blue, except you can’t see the colors…
  • I’m on RI30 Day 9.5 now, still L2. Progression is slow because I’ve been doing more cardio.
  • Speaking of, ran about a mile today. Legs were like thick immobile logs. Running early in the morning is not my cup of tea (or my 菜, to borrow/butcher a Chinese phrase). I also forgot to stretch beforehand.
  • Trying to give my body a bit of a break in light of the beating it’s taken these last few weeks — but now that I’m “free,” there’s a lot of alcohol on the horizon. Tuesday is Happy Hour at work, then going to a friend’s show where there will be free beer afterwards… hey, it’s Asahi; Saturday my friend’s coming from Boston with her whole posse and I foresee much hearty drinking. Oh, one of them is an actuary who just took the same exam as I did, so maybe drunken commiserating, too. (Or drunken me being bitter that he passed and I didn’t ;_;)

Silver Lining

So I failed my test. Not 100% sure, but 95%. Maybe 98%. It’s up there, because I only answered 15/25 questions and that’s assuming all of those were correct. Passing score ranges from 28-31 in the last couple years, and my highest possible score is 30, after that 27.5, etc. 😦

That said, I feel good right now. I’ve had a lot of time to stress and think in the last week and also accordingly packed on the pounds. No kidding, though, after my exam, almost instantly, my binging stopped. I still had some snacks today, but I didn’t feel like I needed to be constantly eating, which is literally how I felt for every day this past week. It’s never gotten that bad in my life, and I’ve had a couple of these before! I think some time last week I cleaned off half a bag of these. I hate making food the enemy. It’s already enough of a daily struggle to worry about whether or not I’m consuming the right things (getting better, though, now that I’m less hard on myself) without the added burden of stress-induced compulsive eating.

I thought about it in the shower just now: this is probably the best shape I’ve ever been in. I’m still nowhere near as fit/thin as I’d like to be, my stomach still has a ton of fat to lose, but I managed a 91-second plank today! I can perform 300 jumping jacks in one set! I can do crunches and situps with minimal strain on my neck! I’m still not confident about my push-up form because of the lack of mirrors in the basement, but I’ve definitely improved since February (started on my knees). I can even run ten minutes without tiring, and that’s after years of not running! I’m in better shape now than I was when I was on my high school track team (I sucked though). And here is the best part: my knees have almost stopped hurting. I worry about them way less now.

The thing about my knees is that they have stopped me from partaking in a lot of physical activity in the past decade. I stopped running altogether, I couldn’t walk long distances or sit for too long in the same position (like on a plane) or wear shoes with hard heels. They’re one of the reasons I never wear heels! And I think I’ve always been afraid of squats because of them as well; the whole “these joints gotta support my body weight while bent precariously” thing didn’t seem that appealing. But if anything, squats have strengthened the muscles around my knee, in effect strengthening them. Thanks Jillian!

I know why I am not seeing rapid weight loss results: I refuse to change my diet. Besides cutting out sweets, I can’t imagine my life otherwise restricted. I will never stop eating white rice or minimize my carb intake, even though I know low-carb has helped a lot of people lose belly fat. I will never stop putting salt in my food or eating salty food, because that’s all Chinese food right there. I’ve stopped eating as much meat as I used to, but I’m also slowly reintroducing it into my life for variety. Everything I’m doing right now I want to be able to maintain forever. And the only way to make sure of that is to not impose any unrealistic restrictions that I’ll end up breaking later (thus restarting the yo-yo cycle).

In addition, I’m not even convinced those things I mentioned are even bad for you. White rice keeps me fuller for longer and less likely to reach for treats. Meat and fats cleared up my skin. Salt… makes food taste better. And you need food to taste good to be satisfied after you eat it!

Tomorrow I might not be as positive as I am tonight, but I hope these reminders will resurface more frequently now that I’m better attuned with myself. I guess that’s the last thing – to be kind to yourself. This is really the most hard-learned of all the lessons, and I hope I remember it for every day of the rest of my life.